Go Fish/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Here's one for you... How many men does it take to change a light bulb? Well, it depends on how handy they are. [ laughter and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] [ whistles and cheers ] thank you very much. All right. All right. No, no, don't think I don't appreciate that. Actually it's time for our annual men's fishing weekend up here at the lodge. Catching the fish is the easy part. Getting our wives to let us go, that's where the real skill comes in. So we're telling them that mike hamar's got a trial out of town, and we all have to appear as character witnesses. One of the upsides of having a known felon as a personal friend. Yeah? Uncle red! [ cheers and applause ] is it international women's day or something? Oh, I wouldn't be surprised -- why? Well, all the town's women are all lined up like for a demonstration or something. I dunno. Is it mother's day? You don't know when mother's day is? Oh, no. Sure I do. No. Not today, right? It's, uh -- hey, guys, what are the wives mad about? [ cheers and applause ] you're not supposed to be here, okay. You're our excuse to be able to go fishing! That case is put off. No, no, no, no, no! Your case is postponed; I'm put off! Ha! Ha! That's why the women are so upset. ♪ they know you lied ♪ [ women chanting ] I don't think so. Conjugal visit? Is this a you deserve this. You lied. I never lied to a woman. I know that, harold. That's why you're not married. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner will receive a coupon for a large bucket of chicken parts from stevenson's pulverized poultry. Where it's guaranteed 100% meat, no beaks! Mr. Green, you've got 30 seconds to get winston to -- cover your ears -- to say this word... Yeah, all right, mike. Oh, okay. And... Go! All right, winston, whenever you start a job, it's important that you... Put on my rubber gloves. Okay, okay, but at the end of the job you... Hose down my truck? No. No. Okay, okay, when you retire, okay, you'll be able to say your career is at a... Photomat. That's the dream, anyway. You know when a guy runs a marathon, okay, this is his favourite line... "hey, baby, I just ran a marathon." remember last month, you painted your bedroom, eh? You did the whole thing in a satin... Bathrobe. Yeah. All right. Time, mr. Green. Almost out of winston, last Thursday night you watched one of those european boring films, remember? You turned it off halfway through. What did you miss? Everything. I don't speak finnish. Well, there we go! [ bell ringing ] [ cheers and applause ] [ ♪ ] this week on talking animals, local animal control officer, ed frid, is going to tell us all about lobsters. That's right, red. Lobsters: The raccoons of the sea. Why raccoons, ed? Well, because they're both, um, scavengers, and they b-both have claws and d-dark rings under their eyes. You ever seen a lobster up close, ed? Well, I don't seek 'em out, if that's what you mean. Well, no. I just thought as an animal control officer -- that what? That I'd get a lot of calls from people who have lobsters up their chimney? Or because there's a rabid lobster running around at night killing all the sheep? [ growling ] well, you thought wrong. Ed, I just thought -- I'm telling you, I have to risk my life every day. Do you have any idea what that's like? Well, I drive the possum van, ed, okay? Can you just show us the lobster? Sure. Sure. Okay. There's your lobster. Okay, you happy? Where'd you catch these lobsters, ed? Possum lake. Well, there's no lobsters in possum lake. That's fresh water. It's not that fresh. Okay, these are crayfish, ed. You know, I knew you'd wimp out on me, so I brought my own lobster. What?! Gotten out. Well, he must've probably just under the table here. Well, I'm gonna sit over in this area then. What? What? Ahhh! Ahhh! Oh! He's on your backside! Ed, he's on your backside. Oh! Oh! Oh! I guess they're bottom feeders. [ cheers and applause ] there are seven wonders in this world, and all of them are great. But be sure to get your septics pumped, because you don't wanna see number eight. This ever happen to you... You're driving along, minding your own business, and suddenly it comes to your attention that you're completely lost, you have no clue where you are, and like so many other aspects of your life, you're on a dead-end street? Now, this wouldn't be a major problem, if you had room to turn around. But unfortunately they don't always build roads that way and for sure they don't build cars that way. That's because of this distance right here. Between the front tire and the back tire. That's called the wheel base. If you've got a long wheel base, you get a real comfortable ride, but you gotta go to the salt flats to turn around. If you got a short wheel base, oh, sure you can turn around on a dinner plate, but the ride is like being on the tilt-a-whirl. Wouldn't it be great if somebody invented a variable wheel base car, long when you're on a long ride, short when you're in a short turn? Well, don't expect the big three to come up with the answer. That's what handyman corner's for. [ tires spinning, engine revving ] all you really need is a boat trailer. But you wanna take the winch off there because you gotta remount that on your vehicle. Oh, yeah, and your vehicle needs to be front-wheel-drive. That way you can take the whole rear wheel axle assembly off there without hurting the drive train. And then, again, there's no rules there. You can take that rear axle off with whatever technology is available to you. Now, a winch is supposed to be for pulling a boat up onto a trailer. But we're going to use it for pulling the trailer down under the car. That's why had to take her off there so I could mount it on the car somewhere where I could get at it easily. I'm thinking right here near the sun roof. The only other alteration we need is something to guide the tongue of the trailer when it comes up under the car. Something to keep her good and snug. Loose tongues have a way of getting guys like me into trouble. So I'm thinking something kinda horseshoe-shaped that I would hang under the middle of the bumper. In fact, I'm thinking horseshoe. There's nothing more horseshoe shaped than that. [ spitting dust out of his mouth ] [ jack creaking ] [ winch winding ] okay, all's I have to do now is attach my winch cable to the back end of my trailer. Then we're ready to give her a go. If there are any car designers watching this, you may be getting a few phone calls. And emergency room doctors, you may get a few calls yourself. Okay, I think it's time for a demonstration of the world's first variable wheel base luxury automobile. But before I do that, remember... If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ winch creaking ] [ metal groaning ] [ cheers and applause ] [ ♪ ] I wanna talk to you guys out there who have run up a few decades on the old odometer of life and are way off warranty. You know, I heard it said that age is a state of mind. Well, so is insanity. Age is a state of body. Believe me. In our society if you're not young, you're old. You better get ready for that. Some day soon you'll be riding a bus, and that pretty young thing you've been sneaking a peak at is gonna get up and offer you her seat. And you better take it because when that happens, you're gonna need one. Now, don't go nuts and buy yourself a ferrari or something. If you need a car at all, you wanna get something conservative and normal. A ferrari is a mid-life crisis. What you need is a mid-life chrysler. So I say, just embrace the autumn of your life. If you don't, you'll be riding for a fall. You may think you're still basking in the last warm rays of youth, but that's either a hot flash or last night's chili. Remember, I'm pulling for you; we're all in this together. [ cheers and applause ] your backyard smells like a dinosaur grave. You get more light headed with each passing wave. A guest lit a match and ignited your lawn. You've been going and going, but we can make it gone. Looks like the men's fishing weekend has hit a snag. The women have formed a kind of one-way blockade around the lodge. They'll let the guys come in, but they're not letting anybody get out. Actually, dalton's trying to run the gauntlet right now. It's not much of a gauntlet, but it's dalton, so it's not much of a run either. Hey, hey, harold! Why don't we just call the police? I phoned the sheriff at home, but his wife won't let him come to the telephone. [ breathing heavily ] I almost made it. There were just too many knitters. [ laughter and applause ] I said you shouldn't lie to them. You're a real weiner, harold. Red, these women are serious.. You know how all our vehicles are in their names so we get better insurance rates? Well, word is they're going to trade in all our cars and trucks for some sporty, little, girly jobs. Man we better get out there, or we'll all be driving miatas. Hey! Don't worry, guys! I've got it all figured out. Boy, I wish this was good news. We're going to dig our way to freedom. They haven't built the lodge that can hold me. I've noticed that the basement walls are pretty spongy. We should hit daylight in 24 hours. Mike, mike, mike, mike, mike... Do me a little favour... Dig away from the lake. [ laughter ] thank you. Okay. This is obviously a symptom of a long-term misunderstanding. Is it so hard for you guys to admit that you made a mistake? To your boss: Fine; to your friends: Okay; but when you admit a mistake to your wife, and your wife just happens to be ann marie humphrey, then that is something you will regret, harold. Maybe not today; maybe not tomorrow; but some day and for the rest of your life. Red green voiceover: Walter had asked me to meet him out behind the lodge because he had a trailer on his car, and he wanted a little help backing her into the garage. So I got -- he wanted me in the passenger seat, which kind of surprised me. And then -- okay. So I thought, I'll just go around and get him to scoot over, but of course he didn't wanna scoot over. So sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. So you know having a trailer can be difficult. Like a boat trailer might have a short reach on it, or what have you. And walter just wanted somebody to either guide him or teach him a little bit about it. But he insisted on taking the first try on his own. So he just pulled her up, and he got from drive into reverse. So that impressed me, but I think the problem here -- yeah, good luck. Now, he was -- okay, you're off to a -- okay, that's a bad -- okay, you know what? My life is too short for a lot of this. So, walter, you just watch, then what you do on your free time is none of my business. So I just bring her right back in. I've done a fair bit of this, so it's not a -- and it's just that easy. And then there's your keys, and we're done. Yep. All right. Now, what surprised me was walter just wanted to give her a try, like, right away. He didn't wanna wait. You know, I think I made it look to darned easy. And that was -- no, see, you gotta use the mirrors. Don't just -- and then don't -- we're over here. Oh, okay, so what did I leave over there that was -- I think there was some garbage there, no, wait a minute. That's where I parked the van, I think. Yeah, thank you, walter. Okay, so now I'm trying to convince him -- I put some truck mirrors on there. Now he can just -- you don't wanna be looking be looking forward. You wanna look into the mirrors. And take it a little slower! No! No! No! No! Oh! How was that possible, walter? And he says, "it was in my blind spot." oh, man! So then he gets the idea what needs actually is more mirrors! So he's got the full-length mirror; he's got the van -- he's got every mirror from the lodge he's got duct taped to the front of car. Now he's gonna back her up strictly using the mirrors. That's gonna be bright, wow! There you go. All right. Now, just take it easy, walter. Just take it -- I got out of there. And -- uh-oh. Don't like the look of this. No, he's all right. No, no, left. That's good. That's good. All right. You're good. Slow down! Slow down! Oh, gosh. No, no, you missed her. You missed her. Come on bring her back. Bring her around. Bring her around. Okay, right! Right! No, left! Hard left. Hard left. Hard left. There you go. [ cheers and applause ] you know they say orange juice is good for you. Well, not if you have a heart attack squeezing it. And for what? I can get more juice than that out of a dead battery. And speaking of dead batteries and heart attacks, what this formula needs is a little bit more power. So instead of squeezing the orange by hand, get yourself one of these blood pressure cuffs stick the orange down inside that. You can actually get these things for free from your doctor's office. Some people call it stealing; I call it 'payback' for leaving me alone in the examination room with no pants on. Okay, snug that up around the orange. Okay, now, yes, you could pump that up by hand, but as I said to you earlier, I'm looking for just a little bit more juice. [ pump squeaking ] just the way like it... Extra pulp. [ women chanting ] well, we've hit a bit of a stalemate here, which describes most of our marriages. The men are still trying to go fishing, and the women are still trying to stop us. Well, I'm with the women on this one. Not a big surprise, is it? Why? Why? Because I'm sensitive. Yes. Yes. You know it doesn't make you less of a man to be sensitive, uncle red. You can afford to be more sensitive. Well, you can't afford to be less of a man. Hey, mike's doing great digging that tunnel. Boy, you can tell he's done it before. Hey! That's my remote! Look, they took the batteries out of it. Oh! Oh! Oh! Look, there's a note attached. What's it say? Well, it's a list of their demands. They just want us to make a suggestion. Oh, no! We're scuppered. Oh! Oh! Okay! Okay! All right, how about maybe you invite the women to join you on the fishing trip? Harold might be right, dalton. I still like the tunnel idea. Hey, guys, what? Bad news. Oh! Ew! I hit the septic tank. [ possum squealing ] meeting time! You guys go ahead. You go! You go, and I'll follow. Okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I would just like to say I was wrong. I apologize. And I'd be very honoured if you'd accompany me on the fishing trip. Something I've always wanted to do, but you know what the other guys are like. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the gang at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] harold: Okay, here he is. Everybody take your seats. Take your seats. We're about to begin. All rise. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Okay, guys, I've got some good news for you. First, the women have called off the protest, and we're all free men again. [ applause ] now, in order for that to happen, I've invited them all to join us on our fishing trip this weekend. [ weak applause ] harold: Okay, I'm alone there. Here's the surprising part of it. They were real pleased that we asked them to, but they turned us down. [ ch and applause ] closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com